A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
