before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
