I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Panties = found
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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