Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
