my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
