Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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