apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
