??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
babies were throwing up all over the place
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
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