He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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