No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
