I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
