I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
