I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
