I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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