I cut my penus on the lid.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
