I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
