mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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