Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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