She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
