Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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