There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize