She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
