do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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