apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
