And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You need a sexual gate keeper
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
