I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
