I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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