Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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