i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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