I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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