If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
is wine microwaveable?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
They have beer where we have blood.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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