so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
