everyone is single if you try hard enough
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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