Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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