dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
