Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
