I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
