two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
It's blow job season.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Randomize
