my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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