Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Mom said you looked used
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
