She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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