watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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