youre lurking in front of me
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
17 year olds will be the death of me.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
