Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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