Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize