I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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