Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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