I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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