guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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