tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
