I think I am morally bankrupt
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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