two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
