I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You pole danced in your parka.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
