It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
