My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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