Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
