You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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