I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
