I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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