Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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