so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
