i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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