Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
