I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
